A Beginner's Guide to Growing Your Very Own Fascist Regime
Welcome, friend! Are you tired of messy democracy? Fed up with pesky free speech, checks and balances, and the maddening inefficiency of governance by the people? Longing for a simpler time when one strongman could just get things done?
Well, you’re in luck. This guide walks you through how to cultivate your very own fascist state. It’s easier than you think and shockingly popular throughout history. So grab your jackboots and let’s dive in.
Step 1: Start With a National Identity Crisis
All great authoritarian regimes start with a bruised ego. Maybe you’ve lost a war (Germany 1918), your empire is crumbling (Italy post-WWI), or your economy is flatlining and people are starting to notice (Russia 1990s).
If you’re the United States in 2025, maybe your issue is that the social contract is frayed, the middle class is vanishing, and folks are stuck between billionaires launching penis-shaped rockets and AI writing their break-up texts. Either way: discontent = opportunity.
Step 2: Find a Scapegoat
A good fascist needs someone to blame. Jews, communists, immigrants, LGBTQ+ folks, intellectuals, the media. You’ve got options! Hitler had the Treaty of Versailles, Mussolini had socialists, Franco had secularism, and modern strongmen have… drag queens?
Today’s flavor? It’s immigrants, trans people, and books. Seriously, books. Apparently “To Kill a Mockingbird” is more dangerous than assault rifles. Go figure.
Bonus points if you use phrases like “cultural Marxism” or “globalist elites.” It makes your repression sound academic.
Step 3: Control the Narrative
Now that you’ve got your villain, it’s time to warp reality. Dismantle trust in the media. Replace “news” with “fake news.” Tell people that what they see with their own eyes isn’t true. But you have the real story.
The playbook:
Burn books (Germany 1933)
Ban journalists (Russia 2000s)
Say things like “The press is the enemy of the people” (US 2016-eternity)
And if that doesn’t work, flood the internet with so much noise that no one knows what’s true anymore. Disinformation fatigue is essential.
Step 4: Undermine Institutions
Courts? Elections? Meh. Slowly erode them. Start with voter suppression and judicial appointments. Normalize political violence, but just enough that people get used to it.
For the best examples, see:
January 6th
The Supreme Court being less “check and balance” and more “group chat for theocracy”
State-level laws where governors play dress-up as mini-dictators
Bonus tip: call it “freedom.”
Step 5: Glorify the Leader
A true fascist state needs a mythic figure. A Caesar. A Daddy. Someone who “alone can fix it” (I wonder who mumbled that phrase?). Make sure your people chant his name, wear his face on shirts, and attend rallies like it’s Coachella for cultists.
Whether it's Il Duce, El Caudillo, or an orange-tinted real estate mogul with a gold toilet, strongmen always market well.
It helps if he constantly claims to be persecuted. Martyrs sell better than managers.
Step 6: Keep the Masses Entertained
Bread and circuses! Or in today’s case: Chick Fil-A and TikTok. A distracted public is a pliable public. Let them rage online while the laws and freedoms quietly erode the background.
In 2025, we don't need secret police when we’ve got algorithmic echo chambers and dopamine loops that keep people too numbed out or mad at each other to notice democracy’s being defenestrated.
Step 7: Militarize “Patriotism”
True believers need symbols: flags, guns, slogans, guns, uniforms, guns. And especially guns. Did I mention guns?
Push the idea that love of country = loyalty to the regime. That “real Americans” wear camo, vote a certain way, and worship both Jesus and AR-15s.
Any deviation? That’s treason. Or worse: empathy.
Step 8: Weaponize Bureaucracy
Want to control the people? Wrap them in red tape. Confuse them with online portals, contradictory policies, and endless phone trees that never end in an actual human being.
Hospitals? Make patients sign 72 forms before seeing a provider. Turn healthcare into a cost-optimization puzzle where insurance companies hold more power than doctors.
Education? Standardize everything. Measure everyone. Turn learning into test prep and teachers into compliance officers. Ban books if they make anyone uncomfortable (but only certain people, obviously).
The key here is subtlety. It’s not that you’re taking away freedoms. It’s that you’re making people so exhausted by the process they stop asking questions.
Step 9: Privatize and Profitize Everything
Fascism loves capitalism—-as long as it's cozy with the state.
Mussolini literally described fascism as the merger of corporation and state. And sweet baby Jesus, we are living the dream! Our public services now run like corporations, and our corporations act like governments.
Tech companies filter your speech, sell your data, and “trust and safety” you right into a digital holding cell.
Hospitals upcharge you $700 for a Band-Aid while making nurses work double shifts with no lunch. #Blessed.
Universities saddle you with $200k of debt and then call you “noncompliant” or “lazy” if you challenge their policies on expression.
We’ve made everything into a subscription service. From mental health, to music, to groceries, to meaning. And guess who controls the cancel button?
Step 10: Turn Workers Into Dispensable Cogs
In a healthy society, institutions empower their workers. In a fascist-leaning one? Workers are liabilities. Robots are preferable. And unions? Pure evil.
Teachers? Burned out. Nurses…physicians? Disposable. Retail workers? Replaced by kiosks, then judged by algorithms for not smiling fast enough.
But don’t worry…we’ll still have “employee appreciation week” with cupcakes and mandatory webinars on resilience and self-care. Nothing says “you matter” like a free muffin and a QR code for an anti-burnout breathing app.
Step 11: Institutionalize Ideological Purity
The old fascists had purity tests based on race or religion. Modern institutions prefer more marketable versions. Ideological purity tests that vary depending on the PR strategy of the day.
On college campuses, certain words are violence, but only some of them. In hospitals, following "the protocol" is more important than listening to the patient. And in HR departments across the country, one wrong Teams emoji might land you in a “culture remediation” session.
It’s not that these institutions are wrong to care about ethics or inclusivity. It’s that they care about appearing ethical more than actually being accountable. Optics over substance. Branding over change.
Remember: when a system is more focused on control than care, you’re halfway to fascism—-even if it swaps out for a rainbow logo in June.
Step 12: Merge Surveillance with Convenience
Your smartwatch tracks your steps. Your EMR tracks your blood pressure. Your LMS tracks your reading habits. Your employer tracks your keystrokes. And your Amazon Echo listens to everything.
But it’s for your safety. Or productivity. Or engagement. Or vibes.
The new authoritarianism doesn’t need secret police. It has dashboards. And every institution you interact with, from your child’s school to your doctor's office, is plugging into the same grid. It’s like if George Orwell (Author of 1984) and Google had a baby and raised it on LinkedIn.
In Conclusion: It’s Not Just About “Them” Anymore
Fascism in 2025 isn’t always about a charismatic despot on a balcony (though... we’ve still got a few of those in the wings). No, today it’s more insidious. It’s in the policies that turn humans into metrics. In the algorithms that decide your job interview is over before it starts. In the school districts banning ideas. In the hospitals that punish clinicians for speaking up about safety or, God forbid, actually giving a shit about their patients.
Authoritarianism has gone HR.
So when we ask, “Could fascism happen here?” we’re asking the wrong question.
The better question is: in how many small, quiet ways is it already happening?
And more importantly: what will we do before the system turns off the lights and tells us it’s just for maintenance?