"The Shadow"
The Repressed Hero of Your Happiness Story
You know that moment when someone cuts you off in traffic and, for a split second, you imagine launching their car into a ravine with your mind? Or when you cheer just a little too hard when your boss trips over the carpet and falls in the hallway? Congratulations. You've met your shadow self. Despite the questionable optics, that might be the healthiest thing you’ve done all day.
What is the Shadow Self?
The term “shadow self” was coined by the Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the parts of ourselves we repress, deny, or ignore because they don’t fit our idea of who we “should” be. For example: rage, jealousy, selfishness, vanity, lust, laziness, assertiveness, or even ambition. Whatever traits didn’t score us gold stars as kids or got us a side-eye from Dad.
These disowned pieces don’t just disappear. They become psychic squatters, living rent-free in our subconscious. And while we can pretend they’re not there, they leak out in our day to day interactions—through passive-aggressive texts, self-sabotage, unexplained anxiety, or that weird dream where you're back in middle school… butt naked… during a math test.
Childhood: The Origin Story of Our Shadow
From an early age, we’re taught to edit ourselves for approval. Developmental psychology research shows that by around age five, children begin to internalize societal expectations in what psychologist Erik Erikson dubbed the "initiative vs. guilt" stage. If initiative is met with criticism, a child learns to suppress those impulses.
Clinical psychologist and researcher Dr. Lisa Firestone writes that the “critical inner voice” we develop in childhood, often internalized from caregivers, teaches us which parts of ourselves are lovable and which should be locked in the basement with a bag over their head.
So little You learned:
Anger? Not allowed.
Sadness? Only in private.
Confidence? Don’t be cocky.
And thus, the shadow is born.
The Shadow Isn’t Evil. It’s Honest.
Psychologist Jordan Peterson (love him or roll your eyes, he makes a good point here) argues that integrating the shadow is essential to psychological wholeness. You can’t be a “good” person unless you’re also capable of being “bad,” but choose not to. Otherwise, you're not moral—you're domesticated.
And research backs this up. A 2019 study in Personality and Individual Differences found that emotional suppression, a core function of shadow repression, correlates with increased anxiety, depression, and poorer relationship satisfaction. On the other end of the spectrum, emotional acceptance and expression are tied to psychological well-being and resilience.
The Shadow as a Portal to Fulfillment
Carl Jung called it “individuation,” or the process of integrating all parts of yourself, including the ones society told you to exile. When you do this, something mind-boggling happens:
You become less reactive.
More compassionate (especially with yourself).
Less afraid of failure or judgment.
And more whole.
This isn’t just woo-woo talk. Richard Schwartz, psychologist and creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS), describes how healing and fulfillment occur when we befriend our exiled parts. Instead of letting our shadow run the show from the basement, we invite it upstairs for tea, maybe a journaling session, and a bit of shadowboxing (literally or metaphorically).
Spotting the Shadow in Action
You’ll usually meet your shadow when:
You’re triggered (“Why does that coworker chewing loudly make me homicidal?”)
You’re judging others harshly (Projection 101).
You’re acting out of character under stress (“Who was that yelling in the grocery store parking lot? Oh, me.”)
These moments aren’t signs you’re broken. They’re breadcrumbs back to your authentic self.
How Can We Reclaim The Shadow?
Notice what you dislike in others. Often, it’s a mirror. (Sorry.)
Journal your impulses, especially the petty, the aggressive, the outrageous. No filter. Just honesty.
Explore dream symbols. Jung believed dreams are the language of the shadow.
Practice self-compassion. Accepting your darkness is an act of radical love.
Consider therapy or shadow work groups. Structured settings can be deeply healing.
In Conclusion: Your Shadow Isn’t the Villain. It’s the Uncredited Co-Star.
Suppressing your shadow is like keeping your muscles in a cast because you're afraid they might punch someone. Sure…they won’t hurt anybody, but they also won’t help you lift anything, protect yourself, or win an arm-wrestling match.
Integrating your shadow won’t make you dangerous. It will make you real. In a world obsessed with curated perfection, being real is our only way back to sanity.